withering into the abyss
“No one is testing you, there is only this: who do you want to be and are you being that?” — Unknown
I’ve always felt as if there was something wrong with me — in more ways than one
For one, I feel as though I am a construct of two opposing halves
where I’d want something
though find a way to immediately contradict or rebuttal against it
and vice versa if I were to not want something or a specified path
Can’t I just be without feeling utterly terrible about it?
Moral perfectionism always has its way of piling me deep beneath guilt
soon, follows the sense of force and rush
— my two antagonists
when combined,
drive me insane and mad…in more ways than one
I want to be
simply
I want to be kind, forgiving, accepting, welcoming, all ways in which I wish to be dealt with — gently
Though I somehow always find a way to convince myself that this is not enough
Would it be so terrible to take life at my own pace?
Undoubtedly, I always hold two different answers to this question
In these moments of black and white thought bouncing back and forth in mind, I am reminded of Susanna in one of my favorite films, Girl, Interrupted:
Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret; it’s you or me… amplified.
And now that I know truth, unshakably, I find that this revelation couldn’t be more true itself.
