What Is The Reason For Reasoning?
Seriously if I were a doll with a pull string & had a handful of catchphrases, “I’ve mentioned previously/in my last post” would be one of them. Maybe it’s just me, but I really feel like I write that more than enough times. ANYWAYS, As I have mentioned in a previous post of my “December Reflection” I had said that I was kind of struggling a bit in December with my mental health. I’ll be honest, as much I hate to admit, I’m not always 100% nonchalant & carefree as I promote or would like to be. But as stated by my favorite author, “there is no such thing as not caring about anything.” We all have bad days, weeks, what have you. But I haven’t felt that low since I was 19 starring the grim reaper in the face telling him to “take me now!” So, to truly understand what was going on under the hood & ensure that I wouldn’t fall that low again, I had to dig deep.
I’vE aLsO mENtioNEd bEfORe *insert mocking SpongeBob meme here* that I’ve been taking a psychology course. Which, I HIGHLY recommend. It’s a FREE course offered by Yale. The professor is genius, funny, & coming from someone who has the attention span of zero, he definitely keeps me intrigued & have learned a lot so far. The link can be found here to begin! But since the taking of this course, it’s helped me really understand myself on a deeper level in various ways. With a mix of what I’ve come to know & what I’ve learned, I’ve come to the realization that we are all brainwashed. Every single one of us. We have a whole other world at our fingertips & with one touch of a (metaphorical) button, we’re opened to countless information, topics, opinions, etc. There is so much distraction that we become “numb” to the outside, physical world. We’re so distracted that we don’t even know we’re distracted.
With social media & the distraction is causes, we so easily fall into the “traps” it sets for us. We begin to believe we have to look a certain way, have X amount of things/riches, talk/dress a certain way, etc. This, I believe, in one of the main causes for various mental disorders (aside from past trauma.) So, we become anxious/depressed because we realize we don’t measure up to this standard. We become desperate. In the psychology course, the professor stated that “the more we want to be/believe something, the more we will unconsciously seek ways to prove we are.” That goes with countless things, which I will probably get into another post, but that was me. I was starved by validation, so I’d go out (on social media) looking for various forms of validation. I was forgetting one of the most important aspects; accepting myself.
Normal transition here: As humans, we are [naturally] emotion driven. Example: someone slaps us, we instantly become angry/upset, & as a result, we will most likely hit them back. Within seconds, we both have stinging red pain on our arms. Every second of every day there is neurons firing back & fourth in our minds making us feel this & that way in every situation. But, not very many people stop to think, “what was the reason for that?” or “what is the reason for this emotion & how can I go about it properly?” (properly, meaning the least destructive way towards others & self)
So, I’d often post on social media for specific individuals to see (on purpose) to get the attention/verification I craved. I’d continually check my phone to see if these individuals glimpsed at what I posted, or better yet, “liked” it. If they did, it’d make me feel “good”…for a short amount of time. & every time I saw that they hadn’t yet interacted with my post, I’d crumble…each & every time I checked. I was valuing something way out of my control & only doing things so those individuals would see/give me the attention I lacked in giving myself. I’d also not post or do something for the reason of others. I feared that I looked “annoying” for posting too much or posting things that were “irrelevant.”
I’ve had a hard time with accepting myself & not searching for validation in others mostly when I was younger (I’d say up until I was 20-ish) & I’ve gotten better about it more in my recent years. But, it’s become even harder to do so with all the ways we can’t “measure up” with the “right” standards. So, it’s easy to lose that acceptance of yourself pretty quick when you aren’t paying attention or really investing time into it. Since I noticed that I was doing things/not doing things for the wrong reasons, I started making it a habit in questioning myself as to why I was doing/not doing something before finalizing a decision. Most of the time, the honest answer was for someone else. I still find myself reaching for my phone to go see if I got a view, reply, or like from a certain individual, but more often than not, I stop myself mid-pick up asking myself why I need to check my phone (again.) I also made it a challenge to stop looking at my “views” on stories & not looking at who liked my pictures I post. Surprisingly, it has been easy & has definitely helped. [In a non-selfish way,] you must only do things to make yourself happy, not others (in the least destructive way.) After all, other’s contentment is not in your control. To end this on a random note that is related (i promise), I’ve become [re] obsessed with watching Hannah Montana on Disney+. I already finished the series…BUT Dolly Parton said something in one of the episodes that will stick with me forever: “It’s not about what other people think, what’s important is believing in yourself.”
