The Good, Bad, & Beautiful
Within the past month, so much has happened in good & not so great ways. I feel like it was just July 6th & I was thinking to myself, “July is dragginnnggg.” Now, it’s July 24th & I feel like my head is spinning. I blinked & everything began to fall apart & also come together…A Life Update That Nobody Asked For Pt. V:
• I picked a date I’m [finally] leaving & I’m beyond excited for it! I was looking at places to stay the other day & was so close to booking it. I decided, though, to wait until December to start booking places to stay & flights. Nonetheless, I still love to look! I’m leaving in the beginning of March & decided that since it’s still some time away, I wanted a part-time job to have extra income & to keep me busy. Lately, I feel like there has been days where I’m wandering around the house waiting for something to do because everything I needed to do is already done by noon. I start Monday & never thought I’d say this but I’m excited to be working! Btw, it’s at a Starbucks, so it makes it that much more exciting for me, hoping to keep my coffee addiction under control.
• I’ve come to a realization…I could work full-time somewhere to make even more money & drown myself with more of it that I wouldn’t know what to do with, but even then, it still wouldn’t be enough. There will never be enough money, ever. So why work somewhere that’d make me miserable just to make something I wouldn’t even appreciate? Just a food for thought…
• Speaking of coffee addiction, I’ve been going to various coffee shops that I’ve never tried before & I’m obsessed. I tried a white chocolate lavender cold brew the other day…amazing! If I’m being honest, visiting different coffee shops around the world is one of the things I am most excited for.
• I made a cute vision board for my desk. I printed out some of my favorite quotes, reminders, & my affirmations/goals to keep as a daily reminder. I also bought (maybe too many) stickers to give it some color. Definitely recommend! I wanted a cork board, but couldn’t find one with the measurements I needed, I found “cork paper” at the craft store & it works just as good & it was only about $2 per sheet! Honestly, I found a new love for the craft store & have been there a lot more lately than I probably have in my entire life. Lately, most of my time has been at random coffee shops, the thrift store, & a craft store…it’s been a dream boat!
• I started using Instagram more again…not as bad as I used to be, thankfully. But I think it is time for another long break again. I just need more space in my mind for focusing on what I need to right now. I don’t know if this is how it works, but I’m trying to read & learn a lot more lately to fill my mind with good knowledge, so the “bad” knowledge fades away since we only have a limited capacity up there. I think it has been going well, but there is always a few road blocks, like Instagram.
• I never thought I’d say this butttt I don’t think I like summer anymore…Well, I don’t like Arizona summer’s anymore. It’s been in the 115's+ & I can’t handle it. Somewhere between 80–95 is good for me. I’ve been thinking this for a while, but I don’t think I want to live here anymore when I am done travelling…
• All of July I had little to no motivation, determination, or inspiration for my script. I haven’t wrote much more for it & when I have, it’s been very little. I only have 64 pages of it & I need at least 80 for it to count as a feature film, but I have no idea what else to add to make it longer. I wrote some ideas down yesterday, so feeling a little more hopeful, but still don’t feel motivated to get to it, regardless I’m still going to do it, but I rather not. On a lighter side, I have had immense inspiration for my self-help book, soooo excited to start writing it!
• Each day, I feel like I find new ways to be a better person & become closer to the person I aspire to be. But, I feel like there is this one force keeping me from moving even further. Part of me believes it’s the environment I am still in. & it’s rational because I know how easily it is to become your environment you keep yourself in. But at the same time, I know that limit I am placing on myself is in my mind. I have the control, regardless of my environment, it’s just harder to get passed. With what I have in the moment, I am still trying my best at my mental growth, but I can’t help but think being away for a while when I travel will get me passed this barrier.
• After having some time to sit on this thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not know how to handle or deal with my emotions. Thankfully, I haven’t been completely sad for a very long time, I’ve just fallen into some funks here & there. But I made a mistake with a very sweet person & with all of my emotions beginning to fall, I didn’t know what to do, which caused me to do what I used to do when I felt that way, drink. & then, I made the situation worse. Since then, I’ve tried to fix it, but I’m starting to see that it’s too late. Growing up, all I did was suppress my emotions, & as I got older, it got worse. Saying what I’m thinking is not much of a problem for me, but saying how I feel is close to…I don’t know what it’s close to because that’s how confusing it is to me. I went to the thrift store the other day & spent more than enough time debating if I wanted a shirt with turtles on it. I have been feeling very contradicted lately & I had no idea what to do with it…
• With the space & time I’ve had to think, I have been feeling better & lighter in the past couple days. I actually went out for brunch & drank again & can confidently say that I do not like drinking, whether I’m sad or happy. It makes me tired & I hate the feeling of incoherence. When I first decided to be sober, it was a challenge to myself to see how long I could go. Now, I really just want to do better & detach myself from things that keep me from that. I also need to learn my limits. I have learned, though, to be lighter by forgiveness. When you make a mistake, you should try to fix it (if you truly want it to be fixed.) But the truth is, you can & should only do so much. An apology can only go so far, & waiting around for forgiveness is a waste of time. If you did everything you could to make a situation better & nothing changes, the next step is to forgive yourself. It’s definitely lifted the weight of my mistakes off of my shoulders & mind by doing so.
• In the end, we are all human prone to mistakes. A negative emotion, such as feeling hurt or regret, is just proof that you’ve had enough courage to try. Courage is more important than protecting your ego. We could all use a little knocking down of our egos. I’ve been rejected by a handful of production companies & agents with my first script & at first, I began to feel low. But each time I get a new rejection email, I use it as a way to make me stronger to handle such rejection in all areas of my life. I’m trying & that’s all that truly matters.
• I’ve noticed that I have been putting my reasons to be happy in trivial things that are out of my control. Since then, I’ve decided to put all of my happiness into the mere fact of existence of itself. I decided this yesterday at a picnic I went on to watch the sunrise. I felt free, I felt light, & truly happy. I’m alive & with that comes mess ups, pain, discomfort, & countless other things good & bad, & I just wish to fall in love with it; mess & all. That alone makes it something beautiful.
