starting over
for the hopeless pt. ii
I forgive myself…for, once again, falling into the detrimental traps, hiding deep within the darkest corners of my mind.
I forgive myself for being imperfect,
for acting, though not knowing the truth I now hold.
I’ve never been through something so challenging and demanding of myself…so here, I offer my grace, my compassion…my condolences…for allowing so many parts of myself that used to be so full of life to perish.
I forgive myself, I forgive myself, I forgive myself.
It’s okay to be angry, to be hurt, and frustrated; I’m not expected to know what to do nor is there a right way to feel. I know…the exhaustion, not simply weighing below the eyes, but deep within the heart…I wish there was something more I could say to help alleviate the weight other than, “try your best with what you have now.”
For once, I’ve decided to stop trying, to cease in striving endlessly, and to simply pause for observation.
What am I doing now that truly, undeniably alights my passion within?
Hoping for something is exciting…hoping for something specific is lethal.
Hoping for something vague — that something good is coming — resurrects me entirely.
Every day, I tip my mental and physical scale this and that way, searching deliberately to find my place, to find where I’m meant to be.
What works is prominent through the stamina I’m given in return, what doesn’t, shatters the floor beneath me remorselessly.
I must tread lightly — the tips of the toes first, then the ball of my foot…the heel — for one wrong shift in weight may ruin me once more.
As I walk the line of starting over, I must learn to befriend dissonance; I close the gap between mind and heart by listing to myself why everything is still okay in present time, befriending the love left around me, extending it as much as possible, and giving hope another chance.
I speak softly to myself, something good is coming…a revelation that reminds my feet of what the ground feels like; grass between the toes, heels sinking in the softened dirt…
I often ask myself, what’s the best I can do now with what I have?
If the answer is prominent, I bring it to life.
If I am left with silence, I let go and dare to trust.
I’ve made fear my accomplice, for I’ve realized that it merely be motivation in disguise.
