pruning ii: eliminating harmful input
vi. managing bpd & preparing my body for pregnancy
Throughout a great deal of time amidst a profoundly vulnerable state, there’s a truth I’ve begun to believe: the immense highs and vast lows of life are fleeting; and in between, lies contentment and melancholy, which both lighten or darken to our consent.
Maintaining a positive mindset throughout trial, whether grand or subtle, can only carry us so far, and beyond the threshold, we tend to harm ourselves in the attempt to keep our heads above sea level.
However, I find what helps me most, even before a trial has begun, is eliminating weights from the basket that I must carry…eliminating the things that hinder growth and enlightenment entirely.
I took a few steps back to peer at the grand scheme of my life thus far…I found that what has enlightened my life most was removing myself from social media, such as Instagram, and intently choosing who I surrounded myself with (while also being more deliberate with my time with those I’m inevitably surrounded by, i.e. family)
At first glance, it seems lonely, and it was, when I practically removed myself from society and resigned my only means of friendship apart from my family…Though, amidst the moments of prominent solitude and silence, is where I found the vague essence of who I was, what I valued, and what I wanted from life, without the constant bombardment of misguiding influence.
Personally, I believe in God (Jehovah) as well as the inner workings of the universe; perhaps they are one in the same, but on the universe side of the spectrum, it almost feels as if an automatic alignment when you begin to connect with yourself with pure transparency.
It’s like that metaphor:
Stop chasing butterflies…they will fly away. Build a beautiful garden and then they will come to you.
— Mario Quintana
When you’re undeniably honest with yourself and are keen with your desires, what’s meant for you will start to take notice.
For any plant, when it needs pruning, it’s because all of the plant’s energy is being focused on the part that’s either weighing it down or already beginning to wither, therefore there is little to no energy for growth.
To regain energy, we must remove the impediment.
Personal Experience on Pruning
I’ll be honest, personal pruning is not as simple as taking some plyers and cutting off a dying branch or rotting fruit, it takes conscious effort and constant reminding of why we’re choosing to prune in the first place.
He who has a “why” to live for can bear almost any “how.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
And that’s where our hopes come into play.
A Hope to Heal Further from Borderline Personality Disorder*
Personally, I feel as though healing from bpd is simply learning how to live with it, by responding to its presence in a gentler manner (which gets easier with time).
Borderline personality disorder can become so ugly if you give it the chance…what helps me maintain a kinder and more patient mindset towards myself is removing weighted input that may feed my detrimental tendencies entirely.
These types of inputs mostly stem from the media I consume, such as
in depth reading into profound topics that stimulate excessive introspection,
music that fuels negative feelings towards the wrong things; I don’t know why I’m embarrassed to admit this, but there is a small part of me that likes rap…I think I’m embarrassed because I also think rap is the worst genre (sorry!). Okay, to be fair, only most of it is terrible…I feel like a great deal of rap fuels so much ego and pride, so I try my best to keep that genre strictly to my playlist for exercise. However, once I begin to notice this music fueling ego-based thoughts and adrenaline outside of my work outs, I remove it from my playlist.
Lastly, spending too much time living through others online (either through Pinterest or YouTube). The second I begin to lose sight of what I have, I take a day or so break from this type of media to revisit the things in my life that I’m grateful for and use this time to utilize them to their capacity.
A Hope to Live as a Snowbird
Above all, I simply wish to have a place to call home of my own.
Though, the thought of living another summer amidst the wretched Arizona heat is beyond distasteful.
I daydream of living as a snowbird, having a place to also call home somewhere refreshing enough that I am able to stay outside for more than ten minutes and actually be able to enjoy one of my favorite seasons!
Aside from running away, when I went travelling abroad a few summers ago, I was on the prowl for a place as such…somewhere to claim as home for the summers.
Though, when I came back home at the closing of summer then, I came back to near nothing…I’d sold my car, gave up my room to someone else…summer has a way of making us forget reality, which awoke me in the coldest way that year.
This time around, before I set out to find a second home, I simply wish to have a stable footing in my true home (Arizona) to be able to come back to comfortably.
I came across this quote on Pinterest the other day (from an unknown source) that said something along the lines of: Instead of wondering when you’ll travel next, try building a life in which you stop feeling the need to run away from…and it, too, woke me up.
Since summer is slowly coming to a close, I’ve decided to exert all my energy and focus to building a more safe and uplifting home in Arizona before making any plans to do so elsewhere.
This means letting go of my dreams of a second home in the near future, and budgeting more wisely, which comes with its own set of things to prune:
removing [a majority of] my “need” for material items that don’t involve obtaining my own place to call home.
These shoes I recently saw on Pinterest are taunting me…and a new thrift store just opened up by my current house…oh, the torture!
A Hope to be a Mother One Day
I feel as if pregnancy takes a great deal of pruning to grow something so fragile…
Recently I’ve decided that if I have a girl (when the time is right), I want to name her Blossom.
I read once that what you name your baby can play a part in who they become as adults.
My only hope is that I have babies that fall in love with life for the right reasons…maybe she’ll love nature as much as I do…or own a flower shop one day!
It makes me really happy to think about now…because I have hope.
I hope not only to be a mother one day, but to also have healthy babies and to stay healthy myself throughout the process of pregnancy.
Though I don’t plan to get pregnant anytime soon, I do, however, wish to be prepared since I may be having babies a bit later than I should.
That being said, the number one thing I’ve been attempting to prune from my life to prepare for a smooth pregnancy is stress.
This is difficult because the current environment I live in is a mere breeding ground for stress…it’s careless, apathetic, full of ego and pride, it’s pessimistic, lacks boundaries, and emits the incompetence to deal with emotions properly with the lack of proper communication.
Granted, I’m grateful to have a place to leisure, though it isn’t entirely ideal for those who desire a sound mind.
This is where being meticulous with the time I spend with others benefits me most, such as retreating to my safe haven when I’ve met my limits.
In my experience, pruning has never left me more emptied than I’d begun, rather, it was always an act of creating space not only for growth, but also for better things to fit in their place.
Which I’ll get into more detail soon!
Until then, I hope you have an amazing day ❤
*Borderline personality disorder varies from person to person, and what has and continues to help me may not be stable for everyone struggling with this disorder; what I share with you today is merely a guideline.
attending my garden, a series
