Procrastination of the Longing
A theory
I’m guilty; I must say, more than I’d like to admit, that I’ve fallen into an automated habitual way of living my days over the past few weeks.
I ask myself why I have allowed myself to do this, yet again, as if the answer from the last time has changed at all; I’ve been in my head far too often. Amongst the rubble left from rumination, there has been a repeat of other thoughts as well along the lines of “I really want to do x, y, z and I will make time for it soon!” Then the hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, and I’m lying there thinking the same thought of broken promises to myself. What has snapped me out of this trance of deep rumination yesterday is that I began wondering why people put off tasks, activities, etc. that they long to accomplish?
I have been putting of countless things from the most menial to the complex. What’s strange is that they’re tasks I truly wish to do. I have a small dresser that I often leave things on; books, movies, my purse, snacks, hair accessories, hand towels, the list goes on. The contradictory thing about it is that I hate seeing anything left on this dresser other than the decorations that are meant to stay. Each day I pass this dresser and think, “I’ll get it later when I have time, definitely!” and weeks later, a box of chocolates and 500 Days of Summer is still staring back at me.
I also used to paint often. I loved the way I could lose myself when painting even when I didn’t know what I was doing or how it’d turn out. A few weeks ago, I bought an abundance of painting supplies to begin painting again, I also brought out my craft box to remind myself to paint. Today, the craft box is shoved under my computer desk (that I hate seeing and always hurt myself on), I have countless unopened acrylic paints, and even more blank canvases. Though, these aren’t the only tasks in my life that I’ve been putting off, some are on a much deeper level, but these are the examples I wish to use today.
I’ve noticed that when I stay in my head more often than not, I tend to feel as if I’m busy in the physical world. My mind is cluttered, thus that is what is projected. But I come to see that it is much too simplistic to say that the only reason we put things off that we wish to accomplish is because we feel busy. Maybe it's the writer in me attempting to think far too deep about a simple concept, but there must be other reasons…I sat on this thought for hours yesterday as I attempted to changed up my daily habits I’ve come to adopt; I went for a walk, turned off my phone for the entire day, and sat in the sun until its warmth sparked a fire of inspiration.
My dad walked passed me as I sat in thought eating a salad, he went on about how his appetite is changing and fears gaining his old weight back; he spoke as he searched for something to eat. I asked, “well, are you hungry right now or do you just want to eat?” If I’m being honest, I don’t remember his answer because I felt the flames of inspiration roaring. With some of the tasks I’ve been putting off, I can admit to be afraid of the outcome. In fantasy, I have control of the outcome every time and its always in my favor. Reality not so much. There lies the terrible unknown that I, as a human being, am mentally “wired” to fear. No matter how much I say that I love spontaneity, there are some things I rather not have be a surprise.
If not evident already, this theory isn’t about any of the examples stated above, but could still be a possibility of why I haven’t put away 500 Days of Summer; there may be a subconscious reasoning that’s holding me back. If I had to guess, since I love this movie for countless reasons, it could be possible that I am fond of the thoughts that are provoked when merely shown the movie cover; the influenced primes. Are you hungry or do you just want to eat is akin to do you want to do x, y, z, or do you just long for the [favorable] end result? Ask yourself, and answer honestly, as to why you haven’t participated in the tasks you wish to accomplish. There may be a subconscious reason, such as clinging to familiar and predictable fantasy or sparked favorable thoughts, that are holding you back from taking action. I hate seeing this movie (or any for that matter) starring back at me day in and out from my dresser, but the thoughts that are provoked when I see it are pleasant. Consciously putting it away is tiring to my mind of fantasy…oh, how I wish it could magically put itself away and the thoughts would diminish without any part to be taken on my end.
