On Staying Grounded
Healing from borderline personality disorder without therapy
I’ve recently spoke on going to therapy amidst healing from borderline personality disorder, in which it has taken years to admit to myself that I am in need of for the sake of a stable foundation entirely.
However, I am exhausted.
I’m grateful that I am healing from a terribly insidious mental illness, I’m grateful to have found the coping skills and mechanisms to counter such detrimental thoughts, habits, and patterns, but to keep going and working on myself through therapy was too much; I have met my limit.
I wanted to revisit this again before I get into today’s main topic because I want to mention that I’m not running from my problems (I sat down and had an utterly transparent talk with myself to confirm this), I’m giving my heart and mind the space they need to solve whatever else is needed on their own amidst rest.
Undeniably, my favorite philosophy book is The French Art of Not Trying Too Hard by Ollivier Pourriol, and within such genius, he uses the metaphor of constantly jumping headfirst into our problems with a knot of countless strings: the more we try to pull this and that string in attempt to loosen the knot, the more of a knot we tend to create in turn.
Meaning: the more work and effort we put into trying to ceaselessly solve something, the more complex it may become.
Now, I’m not entirely naive to believe that transitioning from healing to healed will happen on its own, though I do believe that I’ve met a threshold in which I can no longer absorb new information to advance greater onto the path of healing.
I have little to no energy for much as of late, and all the energy I do have is mainly focused on the repetition of mindfulness, tolerance, regulation, and relationship maintenance (with myself and others); to add more atop this would cause me to plummet altogether…it would create a knot of myself, my mind, and heart all over again.
I mentioned recently, too, that what I would go to therapy for at this time would be to have someone to talk to — someone to see, hear, and listen to me.
However, amidst my stubborn nature, I refuse to have this person be someone I am paying; I can’t imagine that this would make me feel any better if I sought connection with someone who is paid to be there for me.
Alongside repetition, my choice to hold off on therapy, and the lack of people I feel undeniably comforted and supported by, I’ve been adding things in my life while modifying others (and trying my best to maintain these additives/changes) that heal me without much effort done on my part.
10 Things That Keep Me Grounded
Easing into each day
Even if I have somewhere to be at a certain time in the morning, it’s crucial that I create a timeframe when I awake in which I am given space for stillness and slowness.
This space, though menial, sets the entire foundation for the rest of my day and how I respond to what comes my way; giving myself merely enough time to get ready and be somewhere takes away a moment to adjust, align, and listen to myself/needs for that day, therefore depriving me of any sensation of the ground beneath my feet.
Leniency in routine
For a majority of my life, I was disgusted by routine; it seemed bland and as a mere surrender to dull survival as opposed to living.
Perhaps it was the borderline personality speaking when I craved endless adrenaline and spontaneity…though, when I gave routine a chance, I held onto it in such a tense manner that neglected space for the candid.
As every winter, this past frigid season knocked my morning routine out of any grasp entirely, as the cold truly makes getting out of bed and doing anything near impossible.
This spring I was eager to get it back on track, as endless sunny days and warmer weather often motivates me endlessly.
Though, this spring has been suspiciously (and beautifully) mild, barely making it passed the mid 70’s (Fahrenheit) on most days, with more rain than I’ve ever seen in my life, which never happens; typically, in Arizona, “spring” lasts about a week in March, then it’s “summer” (85 degrees and above) until December.
Honestly, I’ve slowly learned to love this mild weather, along with a more lenient routine for both morning and night; I’ve let go of the need for meticulous control and allowed my everchanging needs and intuition to lead the way through my day, which is a reward in itself.
Being physically active mindfully
For a few years now, I’ve engaged with a light workout 7 days a week…
I’m not proud to admit…I was obsessed with the way my body looked; thank you, beauty standards!
Amidst this constant push, I was eating mostly vegan/vegetarian, as I’d fallen in love with countless recipes that I’d found on Pinterest in the recent months. Soon I started losing weight rather quickly which wasn’t entirely my intention.
I admit, which I’ve never told anyone before, I was afraid to gain weight; sometimes I’d even just eat broccoli and call it a meal.
Though, I never made it a goal to lose weight, so when this started happening, it woke me up — I started eating more consciously and balanced, which also inspired me to be physically active more consciously as well.
Now, I engage with a light physical workout 3–4 times a week, yoga once or twice (depending on how my body feels) a flow movement routine at least once a week, and a 10–15 minute walk a few times throughout the week as well; I’ve never felt more empowered, healthy, or have obtained as much love for myself as I do now.
Consciously spending time
Frankly, I feel as though introvert is too entangled into my DNA for this to ever change; being social with the wrong people or being social for an extended period of time drains much needed energy rather quickly, energy that often keeps me from slipping back into harmful thought patterns and habits.
Since I don’t currently obtain people that I feel completely and undeniably uplifted by, I oftentimes have to prepare to spend time with others, which includes remembering to take deep, slow breaths while amidst socializing, observe the room and the tone/energy within, and be conscious of when my grip of intentional attention is slipping (AKA: when it’s time retreat).
With this, I’ve been able to take more control of what I allow into my mind/heart from others and of what I expose myself, thus creatin more satisfying social interactions and a [subtle] desire to engage in them more.
To be more conscious of spending time with others, I feel that it is important to also be conscious of the time you spend with yourself— to practice observing without absorbing, to practice releasing without judgment, and sorting through what is helpful vs. harmful within our internal worlds.
Recently, I’ve started to feel that a real, sit on the floor and deep breathe for X amount of time kind of meditation was more of a chore that I’d have to push myself to do in lieu of something I wanted to do and could do with joy and ease.
Since omitting such chore in my daily routine for some months now, slowly but surely, my mind has been becoming re-entangled in itself.
The other day, I, thankfully, came across the idea and the countless benefits of consciously and actively choosing to be with nature for as long as we possibly can (by taking time to sit with nature and attuning to what we hear, see, smells, taste, and feel) written by Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan in my favorite magazine, Real Simple.
Nature fulfills me in various ways, so, spending time outside daily is a must without a question.
However, when I do spend time outside, I’m mostly playing with my pup, thinking (problem solving/ruminating), writing, reading, or listening to music/a podcast, neglecting a complete connection with nature entirely.
It’s only been a couple days in which I give myself time before jumping to open my notebook or take out a book, but consciously choosing to be with nature truly has calmed my nerves and mind, one sense at a time.
I’ve recently heard a visitor on Emma Chamberlain’s podcast (on an episode which I can’t recall the name of) claiming that taking time for output is vastly important for our wellbeing.
All day we are taking in input, from the media, the world, other people, it’s endless…and if we don’t take time to sift through what we’ve taken hold of, it begins to shape our perspectives, moods, and behaviors without our conscious consent, and oftentimes knowing.
I’ve been loving taking time each day to just be, to simply sit or lay somewhere quiet and give myself the space to simply take up space for no reason other than to exist.
Since coming across this podcast episode, I’ve been trying to also incorporate output within this time I have with myself, which has greatly cleared out any outside opinions of myself, unnecessary anxieties and negative lenses, and in turn, has grown me to be more confident in myself and what I think, believe, and feel as opposed to what I’m told to.
I’m going to cut myself off here for a moment, because in all honesty, I didn’t expect to write this much today, and I know if I attempt to push on, I won’t be proud of what I write beyond this (the tell-tale sign is that I’m starting to slouch at my desk.)
So, in the spirit of being intuitive, I will save the rest of my healing habit additives/changes for another day; until then, I hope you have a magical evening. ❤
