Le Langage de L’amour
The language of love II: Love language in romantic relationships & 7 tips on how to learn someone’s love language
As humans, it’s innate for us to desire to be desired, be seen and heard, and appreciated as a way of fulfilling our need for connection.
Within the five love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch), each of these natural desires can be achieved.
I do believe that every person has a unique love language unique to their own person, though not in the sense of favoring some gestures over others, rather, having different mannerisms in which we need them to be bestowed.
In any language, the way you say something weighs far heavier than what you are saying; in other words, your tone matters more than your words.
In the language of love, the tone is set within the giving.
Personally, my tone is serene, easeful, and passive, whereas, if someone were to say…be ambitious with physical touch, I will most likely push that person away and/or become distant myself.
For example, I once invited someone over that I’d been getting to know (in a romantic sense), and when I opened the door to let him in, he immediately hugged me; to this day, I remember feeling every muscle in my body become tense with fear.
I thought it was sweet, however, my nervous system panicked, and, in fear of a protentional kiss following, I turned away as fast as could, and created distance between us as we walked upstairs.
It’s not to say that physical touch isn’t part of my love language, it simply means that more subtle and gentle moments of physical affection is needed, as well as space to allow me to come to the person I’m romantically involved with.
In addition, you may also find this needed tone in ways which you don’t partake in.
For example, just as I become shielded when someone is ambitious with physical touch, I also become similarly distant when there is not enough ambition in words of affirmation and acts of service.
As a gift and a curse, I obtain an overactive brain.
If I’m given too much space and time in this, I can easily get myself to believe that the world is ending (figuratively speaking), and, to protect myself, I will become distant.
In all fairness, I’ve had some time to work on this, and feel as though I’ve gotten better about not believing everything my mind tells me…though, I haven’t been romantically involved with someone for a while, so the verdict is uncertain.
Just as love itself, there is no instruction manual for understanding another’s love language and tone within; it takes time, therefore trial and error…unless the person you’re romantically involved with is writing a blog about love language and needs personal examples will they rarely come out and tell you their romantic needs right out of the gate.
Guilty!
Frankly, the moments you will most notice the tone in which you need to adjust to, is the moments in which the person you are romantically involved with pushes back, becomes distant, and/or irritable.
And yes, it is a must that you learn to adjust to this tone, otherwise an openness to vulnerability will cease to exist, therefore connection, thus love entirely.
This is where it becomes difficult, though, as it often challenges your personal mannerism in love.
Tips for Learning Another’s Love Language Tone
- Be open with acceptance as to who the other person is
Yesterday I was listening to Emma Chamberlain’s recent podcast episode (Creative Fulfillment) with her dad as a guest, who’d said something in an eye-opening perspective:
People rush in love because they have a void within themselves, which they will eagerly attempt to fill with this other person; this is where romanticized expectations begin to form, where we perceive the other as a perfect fit to what we need, only to be disappointed later on.
The only way to veer from rush and these expectations is to firstly find fulfillment within yourself.
We all know that to be a good lover is to firstly love ourselves. Though, it’s also crucial to fulfill yourself in this manner to be able to see someone clearly as they are and accept them as they come to you.
Personally, I feel as though the magic that we so often find in the beginning of a relationship wanes for a few reasons (which I’ll be writing more on next week! ♥), one of which is that we start to see the other person as they are, not as we thought them to be anymore; the veil is lifted.
But if we can find compassion for someone and their imperfections, for their mistakes, and things we may not understand, taking our time to know why they are this way, the magic will only grow stronger and deeper that you’ve given space to finding their needed tone, as opposed to implementing your own.
2. Be open to change
As relationships progress, they change, just as the people in them and the love language tone needed.
For example, I find physical touch beyond romantic in all ways, though, it terrifies me if done too quickly or at the wrong time.
Though, I’m certain that when I find someone who makes me feel comfortable and safe in emotional vulnerability, I’ll be more comfortable with physical vulnerability.
In the interval between now and then, though, if I’m romantically involved with someone who’s love language is openly physically affectionate, we would have to find a middle ground in which I am comfortable receiving and showing this type of affection where my significant other can show his affection for me and feels my affection in this manner as well — an equal compromise.
3. Be receptive
Being attentive and alert in an open-minded manner will awaken you to what’s working vs what’s not…what the tone needs to be vs. what mannerisms need to be changed.
4. Be flexible
There is one side in a relationship, not two; you’re both on the same team attempting to figure out where everything finds the most balance and harmony.
It’s never you vs. me, rather, us vs. the disruption.
5. Be patient
We cannot force someone to open up or change, we can only inspire them and…
6. Create a warm, inviting, supportive, and nonjudgemental environment
Working with someone’s natural tendencies (their needed tone) not against is simply being vulnerable and welcoming vulnerability for growth as such.
7. Talk about it
Life gets busy, and sometimes down the line of our relationship, we lose sight of engaging with any language in love at all.
If you really begin to feel neglected in some way of love from your significant other, communication will save you countless passive aggressive comments and a loss of feelings for them as well.
Just remember to use statements along the lines of I feel x, y, z instead of You don’t do x, y, z.
Learning another’s love language is difficult, confusing, and can oftentimes be a lengthy process.
What helps a great deal, however, is by firstly learning your own.
And since the inevitability of love being such a complex and sensitive notion/experience, we must take caution to perceive this way, so that we may take care of it as such.
Another notable quote I wish to close with that I’ve heard recently through Emma Chamberlain’s podcast was spoken by Dr. Aliza Pressman:
A relationship is only as good as how well it can bounce back from disruptions.
