Le Langage de L’amour
The language of love I: finding your personal love language
Love, like any foreign language, can be baffling and often times, difficult to completely grasp.
Fortunately, though, the more we open ourselves up to learning and understanding it, the more ease we can find within — not only with others and our relationships tied to them, but also the relationship we have with ourselves.
I’ve been vaguely intrigued on this type of language for some months now but haven’t completely opened up to the idea until recently, as, for the first time in my life, I’ve finally come to understand my own love language (for myself and others) and its roots.
Also…Valentine’s Day (my all-time favorite holiday) themed everything and decor has remorselessly taken over the shelves at every store, sparking the hopeless romantic flame within my soul.
I may or may not be writing about love every week until March…
A love language is, as I see it, what brings out the kindest and most gentle version of us through the sense of feeling loved in all its components — it's the reason I feel, contradictorily to popular belief, that love is, in fact, enough.
The most common and basic love languages are
- words of affirmation
- quality time
- gifts
- acts of service
and
- physical touch
Though, just as love holds a profound complexity, as does its language.
Regardless of the language you speak — French, English, German — in the end, it rarely matters what you say, but how you say it — tone, word choice, and body language will always show words in their truth.
Within the language of love, it’s not simply enough to give someone a gift or a hug to make them feel loved, it’s how you go about doing these things that matter most.
Learning Your Personal Love Language
The Sound of Each Letter — Tone
Something that creates a profound bias in our perception of love is the way it unfolds before us growing up — watching how our parents communicate through love.
I come from a broken home, though, not as the common you’d think — my parents are still together, though, with little to no love between them — my home is internally broken.
Coming from an outside perspective from the relationship, both my parents vaguely know another’s love language, though are too stubborn to make way for it.
As long as I could remember, the language of love was showcased to me as something you have to shout about, to take an immovable stance on opposing sides, and that it’s an endless battle between you and the other, as opposed to each other vs. the problem.
So, for most of my life, I was afraid of love — its language was ugly and terrifying and definitely not what I’ve seen in movies or heard in songs.
And the only thing that has opened me up to love and see in a new light is understanding how I need to be loved — the fundamentals to my personal love language — and seeking how to work with this need.
Grammer — Word Choice
Our personal love language stems from childhood and the ways in which we may have been neglected within our need for connection, or by certain ways we may have been challenged within this need as well.
I like to see these neglects or challenges as soft spots, whereas if an external situation or another person touches on it, even in the slightest, it will most likely create an unfavorable knee-jerk reaction — a reaction that is akin to a defense mechanism that we may have used for survival (or, to remain sane/balanced) in a negligent or challenging environment to our emotional needs.
For example, my mom has always pried in my life, forcing herself on me, rushing me to see things her way, and pushed me to ardently be vulnerable with her at all times, though she has repeatedly broken my trust with this.
In any relationship — whether a friendship, relative, or romantic — if I sense that someone is ever rushing me, making me feel forced in any way, or being overly zealous, my innate reaction is to press my internal alert button to create distance.
Within my soft spot, I find a need…a need for slowness, tranquility, transparency, patience, and an environment to feel safe for vulnerability, which creates the very fundament of my love language, where, without it, the love may cease to exist or progress all together.
Body Language — Mannerism
My mom has always affirmed to me that I can tell her anything (and can trust that she will be there for support/encouragement).
I spend an ample amount of time with my mom, which I [most of the time] enjoy.
She has also bought me things and performed kind acts of service in my times of need in attempt to make me feel seen/heard.
She has also shown me affection in a physical sense to show her care/compassion for me.
And yet, I do not have a stable trust with her, I rarely open up to her, and I have little to no desire to completely allow her into my personal world.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom dearly, but because of her ingenuine mannerism in speaking the language of love, we may never have a relationship that goes beyond surface level.
The same goes with my dad, but for other reasons.
Speaking with Others
Finding our personal love language for others, however, is finding where we are the most kind, compassionate, empathetic, and giving version of ourselves without losing balance or feeling as though we’ve crossed our own boundaries.
A few of my favorite ways to show someone I appreciate them and care for them is through a home-cooked meal or treat — where a personal touch and love is in every bite — making time to listen, and surprising someone with a treat such as paying for their lunch or giving them a gift they once told me they’d wanted.
Even still, showing our love language to others can sometimes call us to give in a less personal manner; since the fundaments of our love languages are subjective, others’ may oftentimes challenge us in a way that may call upon us at the cost of our balance.
With this, I remember Ketut from Eat, Pray, Love and a quote that I adore, though from an unknown source:
To lose balance for love, is part of living a balanced life.
— Ketut
In love and compromise, it is far better to bend than break.
— Unknown
And compromise, I’ve learned isn’t where one person in the relationship is pleased and the other is not, it’s both parties letting something go, where everyone is content with the solution.
As much as I love to romanticize and daydream of fairytales and glitter and fireworks within love, I’ve come to love the humility of it — love is the most humbling element as it calls upon you to be the absolute strongest version of yourself in setting your pride/ego free…there’s something deeply noble about that and it’s…well, romantic.
More on understanding others’ love languages soon! ❤
