grounded
This morning, I read on my daily newspaper (Pinterest) that when in autumn, a tree diverts its energy from its leaves to its roots — it maintains its livelihood by focusing on remaining grounded over what it has to lose or what it must let go.
For a majority of my life, being grounded or rooted within myself has always been a foreign concept to me; living with the constant dichotomy that is borderline personality disorder has made this near impossible to achieve.
However, with my journey towards healing, I had the hope of enlightenment at my fingertips — I understood how my mind worked and how to work alongside it, I understood what my needs were and how to meet them through myself, and I learned how to cope/maneuver more properly through hardship;
even so, with an internal summer near, I grew afraid.
Over time throughout my life, I’ve learned to fear happiness or good fortune; I was afraid to become too egotistical and lose myself in the insidious embodiment of I deserve this, while I simultaneously feared it was a trap —
Something good is going to happen, but I’m sure there’s a catch.
And if there wasn’t a catch, I’d lose myself amidst guilt, feeling as if I had to, as soon as possible, reflect back the good fortune.
I don’t feel as though I am simply worthy of happiness or good fortune as though it is a human right.
I journalled this morning about being grounded and reflected on the mannerisms that maintain this sense of stability within myself, and it really helped put this next season of my life into a lighter perspective, bringing more lightness on its own account.
I defined what it meant to be grounded in my own terms:
Something to hold onto whilst everything seems as if out of reach; it means you know what you want, what you want to do, and why.
It’s finding acceptance for the necessity of setting certain aspects free for enlightenment to take its place entirely.
It’s soaking in every ray of sunlight available, from the little things in your day-to-day life to any ounce of hope you find for your desires to be more than just a mere daydream.
And I wrote, too, a few things that have grounded me recently amidst challenge and hardship:
- using nature as a means for connection and understanding
- being opened and welcoming to various outcomes of my actions on the journey towards achievement
- saying to myself “this doesn’t support the life I want to live” and “this doesn’t support the person I want to be” when offered a thought or path that I no longer wish to align with
- reminding myself often what is certain: I will be able to wear my maroon leather jacket soon, I will sit in the garden tomorrow morning beneath a warm sun with a sweet, pumpkin coffee…
- reminding myself, too, of what’s in my control, even if its menial: what creamer to use for my coffee, what jacket to wear outside, whether or not I should wear my hair up or down…
- being opened to opportunity and taking advantage of it
and lastly,
- having a vague reviving plan if things don’t go as I’d anticipated
With the hope of an internal summer growing brighter each day along the horizon, reflecting on what it means to be grounded and what I have available to maintain this sense has helped me be more open to what may come from this next season and inspired me to welcome it with as much warmth as possible.
I still obtain fears, doubts, anxieties…however, now accompanied with comfort and an undeniable certainty that everything will undoubtedly be okay.
