friendship
I don’t have any friends.
I don’t have anyone who I feel unshakably connected to.
I don’t have anyone who I know I can go to at any time in need for a good laugh.
I don’t have anyone I could go to when I need a shoulder to cry on.
And I’m not asking you to start blowing up balloons and start decorating with streamers for a pity party, it’s just been a common and reoccurring theme that’s been sitting heavily in my mind and heart lately, which I’d like to share.
And frankly, I did it to myself anyway.
I’ve mentioned this before that I have never been one for an extended friend group; not that expanded friend groups aren’t for me (I always adored the idea of a group of people with similar interests and similar good-hearted intentions), it was just never in the cards for me.
I always only had one to three friends at a time, which I’m grateful for.
Before I continue on, I want to mention that by friends, I mean people outside my immediate family because although I do have stable relationships with each of my siblings and (more lately) with my parents, which I’m eternally grateful for, unfortunately, I can’t say that I may ever obtain a deep connection with any of them.
Lately, the world has gone quiet, and I am left to the space before me that only seems to grow louder as the minutes pass by.
I am left to my own thoughts, perspectives, and ideas with no one to challenge them for the better, no one to expand on them…
I am merely faced with the world and its endless bombardment of opposing thoughts, perspectives, and ideas to my own where I often begin to question myself in the rabbit hole of instability.
Who am I?
Happiness is only real when shared.
— Christopher McCandless
Is it possible that my existence also ceases to exist in the void without another to acknowledge it?
I only know that in opposition to happiness, pain be real regardless if shared or not.
I mentioned once that one of my favorite films is Girl, Interrupted.
If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend giving it a chance.
Susanna, the main character played by Winona Ryder, just as me, doesn’t have any friends.
Also similar to my passions, Susanna desired to be a writer, though the world and every individual in her life claimed this dream to be ridiculously out of line of what is expected and right.
Susanna, lost in contradiction, couldn’t bear the lack of an unstable mental foundation, landing herself in a hospital for the clinically, mentally unwell.
Her often vulnerable persona, desperate for support, absorbed the personalities of those around her, causing her to also lose her mind.
And for a long time, I also played part in absorption — I became who I needed to be to be supported and connected, and with that, came a loss of my values entirely.
I just recently lost/let go of my best friend of 5 and a half-ish years as I came to this fruition — I didn’t like who I was when we spent time together nor who I became because of the abundance of time we’ve spent with another.
I felt awful for years during our friendship, but knew if I let him go completely, I’d be alone, which was perceived as far worse than being someone I didn’t like.
Over a year and a half later of detoxing my life, friendless, unsupported, and longing for connection, I know this time alone and away from influential thought was needed.
Even if that meant my suffering through life’s hardships [physically] alone.
I’m grateful to have returned home to myself and my values, sought new hobbies and interests, and have had my lens of perspective cleansed; I wouldn’t change a thing.
Though, the past couple weeks I’ve been feeling numb, as of the last few days, sick…emotionally.
The fulfillment I’ve gotten from cooking, embroidery, painting, etc. more so began to drain me to complete exhaustion; my joy was stripped entirely.
Because of this, majority of my time over the last few days has been spent in bed as if I had been physically ill.
My health is fine, though my heart is longing.
As an introvert, it still surprises me to say that I’ve come to grow a love for people this past year and a half…an interest, a care, a deep compassion, respect, and empathy for mankind.
I miss people…and real, genuine, undeniable connection.
I crave it.
Though, obtaining this desire is difficult for a few reasons, one being my age of 26.
Even more difficult in making connections with others, I am a woman.
In my experience, it is more difficult to make connections through friendships as a woman because many (not all) other women merely judge at first hand and/or are not trustworthy throughout time, and most (not all) men…they simply find connection synonymous with something else.
I feel so disconnected from the very world I’ve come to fall even more in love with over the years and I don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve been taking this weekend to rest in various ways, daydreaming most of my hours…at the beach, engaging with content that either supports my point of view of challenges it for the better…
I only hope you are doing well yourself and are getting the necessary means needed for your health and happiness in every way as well.
Talk soon ❤
