Authentic Hope
I truly can’t tell if December came and went, or if it dragged.
As I had been practically all year, I was far too deep in my head in December and channeled my focus on fairly trivial aspects of my life. I take full responsibility for the less than subpar year that I had. Out of all twelve months, I can confidently say that December has been my favorite, but if I’m being completely honest, that isn’t saying much merely because it still contained vast mental struggle. Though in the past few days, I truly feel lighter in the most authentic way I have all year.
December Recap:
- As stated in my previous post, I began to slowly find hope for a better self, as I did. Though, I hadn’t the slightest of hope for anything outside of myself. I’ve come to realize that when there is no more hope, it can easily be mistaken as an excuse to crumble and cower. But we can also see it as a chance; a chance to realize that there truly is nothing else left to lose and we should risk it all and follow the paths we yearn to. When I realized this, and let my ego fizzle down, I was able to let off a weight I have been bearing for some time. This was the beginning of a fresh start I desperately needed.
- There was an odd phenomenon I encountered this December…it was always 3 o’clock. Every time I looked at the time, it was three, or three and some change. I mean, of course I’d see the time at other moments in the day, but for some reason I’d always check around three, and I’d think to myself, “wasn’t it already just three yesterday?” I’ve spent so much time in my head and obsessing over easily accessible trivialities that I wasn’t living, merely surviving each day; this made time move so quickly that it almost felt as if it didn’t even exist. At one point, I felt almost completely absent from myself that it seemed as if I was living my life through another’s eyes.
- Towards the second half of December, though, I grew tired of myself, not in a way that I hated myself, but more so that I was exhausted with the same thoughts, habits, routines, and obsessions I had allowed myself to fall into. I wanted more than anything to snap out of this person I allowed myself to become and be the person I know I could be. With this, I began engaging with life again, as I had in the beginning of the year. More so authentically, though, because I vowed to keep my distance from social media. I began painting again, took pictures just because, found motivation to actually do some of the things on my never-ending to-do list that I’ve been slacking on, and was even able to cut off a few poor habits.
- I began learning a bit more of Danish and Italian. I said it once and I’ll say it again…Danish is an intimidating language. I decided to stick to the basics for that language because I truly don’t ever see myself being completely fluent in that one. With Italian, though, it’s been a bit easier to understand because it’s fairly close to French and Spanish, which I already know a little more than handful of. Learning new languages has been my only source for “planning” for my soon to be trip. I grew anxious on end planning too deep with my trip. I soon began to remember that there is a cost with planning to extensively; there’s no room for spontaneity, which of course, would always make a great blog post! I feel confident enough to say I’m prepared for anything, and that’s all I ever needed to feel.
- Not only changing my habits in all areas of my life, but also continuing to participate in my jiu jitsu class has helped me mentally as well. I feel more confident and have been progressing with my momentum and movements; another decision I am glad I have followed through with is putting my pride and ego aside and trying my hand at something I’ve always wanted to.
- Another thing I’ve always, always wanted to try in my lifetime was hummus. Trying new foods is fairly foreign to me, though, because I am beyond picky. There’s a grilled chicken and hummus protein box at Starbucks and one day I decided it was the day I would try hummus…saying I am in love is an understatement. It’s so delicious I want to shout it from the rooftops! Also 10/10 recommend that protein box from Starbucks!
- Speaking of Starbucks…work has been so chaotic because of the holidays…glad they are almost over to be quite honest. I have all year. There is a reason for it, both good and bad, which I will get into in a few posts to come.
For now, I wish to thank all of those who read my blog and support my thoughts turned word. I am beyond hopeful and excited for the next chapter of my life to come with writing and all other areas.
If any of you had a few mental struggles yourself that may still be lingering, you are always more than welcome to message me through Instagram, which I will link below. Though, I am taking another [few days] break from social media but will get back to you momentarily!
Happy New Year and I only hope greater things to come for you in 2022!
